Copyright (c) 2000 Jerry Zezima. All Rights Reserved. Terms and Conditions.
Porky and Zez 2000:
The Dirt Road to the White House
By Jerry Zezima
Fourscore and seven beers ago, our fathers brought forth with incontinence a new notion, conceived in lethargy and dedicated to the proposition that absolutely anyone can run for public office.
That is why I am proud and slightly flummoxed to announce today that Alan Abel and I are once again throwing our hats (not to mention our boxer shorts) into the ring for the two highest offices in the land.
Unfortunately, the top jobs at Microsoft are not open. So we are running for president and vice president, respectively, if not respectfully.
As our fellow Americans will no doubt recall, probably in haunting flashbacks, Alan and I ran in both 1992 and 1996 under the banner of the Cocktail Party. Alan went by the name of Porky; I was Zez. Together we were the Gershwin-inspired ticket of Porky and Zez.
We got a late start in 1992 and were soundly defeated. We got an early start in 1996 and were soundly defeated again. But it wasn't due to lack of effort. We campaigned vigorously, pressing the flesh (now an impeachable offense) in both New Hampshire and Washington, D.C.
Porky and I even kicked off Debate '96 in Hartford with a public appearance that was arranged by Sen. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.), who not only is from my hometown of Stamford, Conn., but actually endorsed us. Now he is one of my rivals for vice president.
Porky and I capped off our historic campaign with the Cocktail Party Convention and Semiannual Clearance Sale, which was held at the Sheraton Stamford Hotel and was covered on local television and in newspapers nationwide.
Unfortunately, Porky and I went down to ignominious defeat on Election Day, winning only Paraguay in the electoral balloting. As David Broder, ace political columnist for The Washington Post, told me by phone the next day: "You peaked too soon." Cocktail Party campaign coordinator Tim Lovelette said, "I think you'd have more success if you ran in an off-year. There'd be less competition."
Nonetheless, Porky and I got quite a few votes, which not only scared the hell out of us, but gives us hope, however unreasonable, this time around.
At the 2000 Cocktail Party Convention, a low-key affair that was held last month at the Westport (Conn.) Public Library, Porky and I mapped out our strategy for a better America. Our bold new initiatives include:
-- Taking members of Congress off salary and putting them on straight commission.
-- Eliminating Wednesday from the calendar to establish a four-day work week.
-- Requiring SAT exams for members of the Electoral College.
-- Selling ambassadorships to the highest bidders.
-- Putting a lie detector in the White House and truth serum in the Senate drinking fountain.
-- Placing a suggestion box on the White House fence.
Where do we stand on the key issues? Out of the line of fire, if we can help it. But if you must know, here is what we would do to solve some of this country's most pressing problems.
EDUCATION: Porky and I will make education the cornerstone of our administration. We may even go back to school ourselves. And we would start by implementing the Reverse Education Plan, which is based on the long-known scientific fact that a person's greatest capacity for learning is when he or she is very young.
Our plan: Send children to college first. That way, they could get their university degrees right off the bat. Then they could work their way down through the educational system until, in their final year, they would go to kindergarten, where they could play "Simon Says" and learn how to get along with others just prior to becoming legal adults.
Under this system, parents wouldn't have to wait 18 years for the cost of a college education to skyrocket to the point where it rivaled the gross national product of Finland. True, they wouldn't have time to save, either. Then again, if you lived to be 100, which under our health-care plan is extremely unlikely, you couldn't save that much money.
HEALTH CARE: Porky and I would institute Big Apple Coverage, which we formulated while stuck in traffic in New York City. It is based on the old expression "An apple a day keeps the doctor away," which a recent medical study proved to be true.
Under this plan, the government would buy an apple a day (minus a 10-cent co-pay and a $2 deductible) for every man, woman and child in America. Out-of-work doctors could then apply for low-interest government loans to pay for golf lessons. Those doctors still in practice would be required to publish their medical school grade-point averages in the telephone book after their names.
INSURANCE: Because the insurance industry engages in what amounts to legalized extortion, Porky and I would go one step further and turn the whole thing over to the mob, which charges lower rates than most insurance companies and guarantees protection. If we run into Congressional opposition, Porky and I will exercise our veto power, which entails placing a call to my Uncle Vito.
GUN CONTROL: Our sure-fire solution to this volatile issue is twofold: Porky and I would allow anyone in America to buy a gun without having to suffer the indignity of a background check. But we would make it a federal requirement that bullet velocity in all firearms be decreased by 98 percent.
CRIME: Crime can never be eradicated, but Porky and I believe it can be contained. That is why we would establish "crime zones," which would be like amusement parks where criminals could commit crimes in safety and comfort.
These zones would feature fully furnished homes that criminals could burglarize. The catch: None of the TVs or major appliances would work and the jewelry would be fake. Same with banks, which would have play money. Carjackers would get stuck with lemons. Criminals could use guns for armed robberies, but the firearms would all have 2 percent bullet velocity (see "gun control" above).
Once criminals got this aberrant behavior out of their systems, they could rejoin society. Otherwise, they would have to go to jail. You have to draw the line somewhere.
TAXES: Steve Forbes touted a flat tax. Porky and I propose a round tax: Whenever you get around to paying your taxes, it's OK with us.
SOFT MONEY: In 1996, Porky and I raised $41.38, including $3 that was contributed by a nun, Sister Carol Ann of Stamford, Conn. If we had been eligible for federal matching funds, we would have had a war chest worth $82.76.
Obviously, Porky and I believe in campaign finance reform. That is why we think all candidates should raise money the way kids do with school fund-raisers. Think of it: politicians going door-to-door, asking potential voters if they want to buy holiday wrapping paper, refrigerator magnets, microwave splatter shields, even Tupperware. It's a multimillion-dollar business.
Porky and I will still accept checks, of course, but to ensure the integrity of our donors, we would need to see two forms of identification. All contributions are tax-deductible, meaning that if you don't tell the IRS about them, we won't get audited.
THE MILITARY: Porky and I would bring back the draft, but only children and members of Congress would be eligible. We would press other United Nations countries to do the same.
Kids love to fight, which makes them perfectly suited for combat. And they would be issued weapons, but nothing more dangerous than water pistols or paintball guns. If they refused to serve, they would have to go back to school. As for members of Congress, they would be given real guns. War would be abolished if elected officials had to fight.
FOREIGN POLICY: Porky and I would travel extensively and would send back postcards ("Wish you were here") to inform the American people of our progress in international diplomacy. World peace would be assured in six months because we would force all countries to sign a nonagression pact in exchange for a promise that we stay home.
OUR OPPONENTS: Porky and I would never stoop to mudslinging (unless, of course, it involved female mud wrestlers). Because we weren't invited to participate in any debates, we offer the following mature and respectful comments on the idiots who are running against us.
George W. Bush: As Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson once said about Terry Bradshaw, he couldn't spell "cat" if you spotted him the "c" and the "a." (In fact, Bush spells it with a "W.")
Dick "Lon" Cheney: The Man of a Thousand Phases.
Al Gore: Negatives: In danger of being eaten alive by termites. Will do and say absolutely anything for political gain. Ethically challenged. A major dweeb. Positives: Good kisser.
Joe Lieberman: He endorsed us in '96. And he's honest. Those two things alone should disqualify him.
Ralph Nader: His last name says it all.
Pat Buchanan: We've already had one bad president named Buchanan. We don't need another.
Porky and I have made our case. Now it is up to you, the American people, to vote your conscience. If you have no conscience, vote for us. And remember our immortal campaign slogan: "Porky and Zez: How Bad Can They Be?"
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